Teenage Pipe Dream

It was a pretty standard desire for the time, self-dependence, independence and being a self-made man. You wanted to deliver newspapers when you were a teen or do other things that made you independent, probably repairing motorcycles. You would love to repair motorcycles even now. You were ignorant at the time. You didn't know how the world worked, and so when you went to college you were happy, you wanted to be the best of whatever that education was supposed to make you. You can't stress it enough how good delivering newspapers or repairing motorcycles or any such things are for a teenager. You had a independent mindset which had grown from the mindset of delivering newspapers. At the time a major portion of it might also have been escape from your anxieties, which even though funny, were very practical for the time, and the anxieties only existed because you had a defensive attitude. These anxieties wouldn't have existed if you had an offensive attitude. But it's hard for people marked for continuous exploitation to be offensive. The world was vast back then, and one didn't have to face their fears, which is true even now; one doesn't actually have to face their fears, it's useless. It was twice in your life that you tried to start with a blank slate, but the truth is that the slate is never blank. It can't be for very political reasons. The narrative is kept simple, for ease in management, and God doesn't interfere. Wherever you went, you chose your ideals and standards and worked for them. It never really worked out and it is later that you found out why did it never work out. Being mindless and being guided by fear has its own issues, but you were not only being guided by fear but also hope. In your teens you wanted to get out of this country to escape your fears and your woes. There are countless people in history who have made their destinies like this, but you couldn't and it sucks to know that it wasn't fate. Blank slates don't work when your fate walks with you, at least what you considered to be fate back then. You chased success, just like any man or woman and the chase of success had its own reasons, just like any man or woman has. You were an independent man because very early you chose to be one but to your surprise later in life, your background, your culture and region was made to be a weight tied to your leg. The hilarious part in all of this, despite being independent you had been carrying your background, your culture and region in your heart, but what would idiots who only know love to be a thing that is meant to be exploited know. You carried your background, your culture and your region in your heart and you carried it on your head and shoulders when it was tied to your leg. There was a time when you had thought that you wouldn't be getting a good opportunity due to your performance, there was a time when you tried to escape your anxieties thinking the world is very big. The truth is performance matters shit and the world is elastic, it can grow big or small on the whims of those who control it. It's also true that no one can be independent and a self-made man or woman in this world though it's a great ideal to strive for. Self-dependence is achievable to a limit and one should strive for it. Though all these things stop to matter when you realise that this country functions on loot, thievery and extortion. People are looted, extorted and then murdered and this happens on the highest and deepest level of existence, the level where one would assume people who have opened their crown chakras are. Still, one can be right from their side. Newspaper delivery and bike repairing remained a teenage pipe dream. Independence remained a teenage pipe dream. You walk around with your background, culture and region on your shoulders like Atlas despite always carrying them in your heart. You are not independent, but at least you are not an idiot with absolute power.