To Be or Not To Be

Sometimes there is a lot of difference between what you want to be and what you actually are. You grow and realise that there in fact is not a lot of difference between what you want to be and what you are, it's the environment and your nature that modifies your personality. Though it might also be that it differs from person to person. Take for example, that I wanted to learn Indian classical guitar playing when I was younger and I couldn't go further chords due to bad hand eye coordination so now I listen to Indian classical music and rock music. I liked Indian classical and rock, then I wanted to convert it in action by learning them, and then when I couldn't do it, I fulfill my desire just by listening to music. This is the reason there are so many cricket fans in India, a lot of them had once dreamt of becoming a cricketer and now they are avid cricket fans. I wanted to learn martial arts, I tried to learn it, first takewondo and when I couldn't go further in that then karate and jeet kune do, now I do brisk walking and watch taekwondo tricking competitions on the internet. I have never had long hair because it was not allowed in my family, and I am a long hair guy, it doesn't matter anymore but that doesn't mean that I'm not a long hair guy. So it seems that we actually are what we want to be, we don't have to be that person, we already are, all that is missing the necessary skills which come from resources, favourable environment and a lot of practice. I had read a piece of writing by a guy quite a few years back, that guy had an aura about him, you could feel the depth in his writings and just by reading I could tell that his and mine sense of aesthetics matched and that he had deep knowledge of Hindi literature and in a very aesthetic way too. I wanted to be like that guy. Would that mean that I wanted to lose my individuality, I hope not. I liked that aesthetic, I identified it and I wanted to bring that aesthetic into my life. The issue with this country, or if not this country a few regions, is that self-expression is banned. When you see an art professor of a nationally and even internationally reputed government university going cray just because she might be thinking artistically and knew about surrealism is crazy. Art is gradually being replaced by religion, and that too not of a good type but dogmatic, in this country, and in such a way that only privileged classes have the access to good art. For the lower class crude form of art and entertainment are produced and finer forms of entertainment are reserved for upper classes. It becomes even more baffling when you realise that lower classes already had access to finer sensibilities in form of folk music and folk tales, and you realise that in past decades these things have been slowly destroyed and replaced by crudeness and vulgarity, and I know that it's not unintentional. I know the kind of man I am. I know the kind of aesthetics I like, I know what I want to be and I know what I actually am. I'm a guy who likes small hatchback cars and cafe racer motorbikes. I'm a guy who loves Hindi literature but knows that Hindi literature has been destroyed. I might be wrong on the part that people already are what they like and want to be, as I can be countered by arguments like wanting to be a pilot doesn't make you pilot and such, but it has been true in my case. Though the major thing to realise in all this is the effect of environment in making us what we are, and when you know about the existence in this country and the world you realise that the environment can be delivered directly to your mind and body. That you can be groomed to be someone that you definitely aren't.