Mami, Mi Amor

I have grown up since you held me. You are a blessing for the writer in me, because you make me want to talk a lot. A writer wanting to talk a lot is a writer who can write a lot. You have been my muse since you first held me, I didn't know it, but I know it now. It was never puppy love, however I am and will forever be your puppy. Reality is harsh and hard, at least for the lesser mortals it is. Should I deal with reality when I talk to you, or should I introduce you to the grand world that my comic book reading head has made for you in which there are just you and me. I fear reality, and I fear the shackles I live in. I fear not being able to reach you in time, or maybe not being able to reach you at all in the time of need and hence I contain the absolute madness that I have for you. You would have kept me a teenager throughout, and I would have regretted dying, after you, and in fact at all if you were in my life. I would have been afraid, very afraid. But now I fear nothing. There are practical aspects, like our backgrounds, our personal and social realities and other things. I wish I could have shown you my childhood, a modest, if I'm being modest, childhood, but an absolutely happy one. Wish I could have taken you to the terrace at my Nani's home where we slept under the open sky, it's not something that one can imagine, it's something that can only be felt. I can list countless reasons for why I love you, and one of them would be, because you know what love is, what real, actual love is. I can converse with you without language, even if we both have realised that the world understands only one language that is, practicality. Your Ezee washed pullover exudes the warmth of love that I had in my childhood, different culture, different setting, heck, maybe different social class too, but the essence of that warmth remains the same. It's not desperation, it's not even longing that I feel for you, it's a quiet acknowledgement of knowing that there is someone in the world with whom and for whom I could have built a life if the world hadn't gone to dogs. When you are on my mind, when I'm committed to you, not even the most beautiful nymphs can't make my attention waver. You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met or seen and that you will remain forever. The world has ruined countless relationships, but if you were mine I would have made arrangements, would have built fortresses, took a beating on my heart and soul and even my body to keep you in my life. I'm not without chinks in my armour though, and they are my shackles, which prevent me from reaching you, which make me doubt if I would be able to reach you in time or even reach you at all if you need me and this doubt keeps me grounded, prevents me from going batshit insane about you. I assure you, I don't want to be some 19th century romantic lover, that's a whole different matter that you bring him out in me. Love has reasons, probably it actually has, but trust me when I fell in love with you there weren't any. It was a serendipity. You were just another girl until you were not. I identified your pure soul and a mind that had adapted to the world and I realised that the woman of my dreams exists. I have never felt such a pure harmless intoxication ever and whatever I felt was enough for me to last for a lifetime. For me it's enough that you exist. I'm not a greedy person. I wish I could have been dirty with you, and shown you the crazy dirty side of me, but I guess that's for another lifetime. For now, I'll just stay, in awe of you, and as the shackled pillar which can't move much, and try to do my best that I can do, not for you, but for me.