Ganarajya

Grief should be reserved for genuine tragedies. You wake up and find an sms of a pizza outlet on your phone. It took you a lot of time to realise that you were possessed. The pumping of delusions has been continuous. You go to the city and find a restaurant name very familiar. It's the 007s at work. The issue is that level at which these 007s work makes the so called work redundant. If you have learnt anything about the human body and mind is that it's not unlike a machine. Even the soul can be fooled. Every human body processes what you call "vibe complexes" in a similar fashion and it is here people are framed at the deepest level. It is unfortunate and totally machine like that every body and mind react to vibe complexes in a similar fashion and it is how they harvest and keep presets of vibe complexes just to pump them in people when it is required to manipulate them, who do they harvest them from, again it's the people and they do it day and night. They take your experiences, manipulate them, create vibe complexes and then manipulate your life further. It's not a rocket science given you know about it. A similar thing is a "thought complex" no points for guessing that it is composed of thoughts. And when it is used for sabotage the thoughts in the thought complex remain the same but the context is changed. It's actually game of context. So a girl you really loved once, your thoughts about her can be made to have a contexts like you just wanted to bang her, or wanted to climb the social ladder through her. Sex is a major tool in this exercise. In fact sex is a major tool in every exercise when it comes to social control. Sex is used in political sabotage because it decreases social credits like no other thing. Even the most depraved asshole will ridicule a person whose sextape goes viral. Given the population of this country, and the mushrooming of homegrown porn, despite it being banned, and the depravity of a common man and the woes suffered by women in the society it is not hard to assume that this is a sex obsessed country just that if a woman talks about it in public she becomes a whore. The rot is real and it is systematic. The issue with this country is that no grief is genuine, all of it is designed. Direct exploitation works very directly and you won't go into that, but indirect exploitation is also a product of direct exploitation and it works either by extreme deprivation or by extreme excess. It's a direct game of power dynamic and anyone who is weak and doesn't have financial or social capital is exploited and then silenced. That's how women are silenced after sexual exploitation, mostly by intimidation or blackmail and the scope of intimidation and blackmail is very vast. It would be extremely funny if this structure turns out to be the government, but it probably isn't. One thing however is sure that it is composed of genocidal rapists who are also stupid. You see the pizza outlet sms. Then you feel like an environmental terrorist for having beliefs like one should put the trash in the dustbin. You know the assholes who go to Himachal on weekends and litter there and come back? That's the standard way of living in this country. To totally adapt to the system of this country you shouldn't flush when you use a train toilet, otherwise you too can end up being an environmental terrorist. Got the wrong guy, but then that's the whole fun (for the wrong guy). Money and pussy or probably pussy and money because pussy is an older currency than money, that's how this ancient civilization runs, rest everything is a filler. Delusions are created by creating thought complexes and changing contexts of the thoughts but if you know yourself well enough these retarded designs fail. People are baited day and night and when they take a bait they realise how lust and greed are sins. It's a criminal enterprise that moonlights as providence and kundali maker. Grief is in abundance here, but only for those who believe in God. 

Retrospective Assessment

The 19th century and the 20th century is a good place to start. I like the stories of that era. I adore Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. He wrote one of my favourite characters ever, Sherlock Holmes, and wrote some spiritual works too. I have been spiritual and I know how spirituality works as I have gone through a full circle. When a man sees the complexities of life, nature and the universe and he is not pathologically selfish, he gravitates towards spirituality. My interest in spirituality was triggered by sickness. There was a time I believed in God because it's the factory setting for most people, and when the pain became too much I naturally turned to spirituality. My belief in religion is complex but I would try to explain how it functions. I believe in traditions, mostly the ones that don't discriminate and exploit, I have immense faith in mother goddesses and I turn to them for strength to bear my life and that's the only idea of God I believe in. I don't believe that there is a God that externally make my life better. In this sense I'm a believer individually and an agnostic socially but politically I would call myself an atheist. I believe in my culture and I respect my traditions and so I follow them, but I know that religion is a political tool of mass exploitation and I don't know about other countries but here even those who preach it do not follow it but use is just as a tool of crowd control. I'm spiritual, in fact I'm very spiritual. I turn to the idea of mother goddesses for strength and I have an open mind for new experiences even if they prove me wrong. But it turns out that I was not wrong. What I thought of as sickness wasn't sickness, what it was is a whole different story and I wouldn't really touch upon that but that gave me an idea about how things go about in this country. I focus on the 19th and 20th century because it has ample mix of modernity and traditions, we go back and we find that until 15th century it was the mediaeval era and the development of thought at least in the West started to happen in the coming centuries making 19th and 20th century a good time to focus attention on as far as examining the literature and development of human thought and technology is concerned. I have thought about Sanyas but I couldn't do it because of family responsibilities. Later I realised that in this country people are deluded into Sanyas. It's unfortunate for a country which has a vast resource of indigenous scriptures and philosophical texts but that's how things presently are. I focus on 19th and early 20th century because I assume that humans were, at least at an individual level, free back then. If they were not then things would go into the realm of occult, supernatural, paranormal which, again, would only make me more happy. Though whatever experience I have had in my life point to a technology of slavery. I don't know whether people were actually free in 19th and early 20th century, but I assume so and thus try to make sense of the literature of that time. As I have experienced it, I know that the world is still very mediaeval, and modernity is an eyewash. It's a pattern, one starts with logic and reaches to spirituality. Just like Conan Doyle did and so did many others. 

Good Heavens

The question arises if it was like this in the 19th and 20th century. One doesn't even have to bother for the time before that. Just 19th and 20th century and shit would be resolved. We have seen what's up in 21st century, how things transpired in the 19th and 20th century is the deal. One can often become delusional with goals. World domination is the final goal for a man on a mission, even if it isn't actually. There was a time of black and white televisions but even before that shit used to happen. Yes, even in the times of black and white televisions. Does an angel speak in your ear? If it is so, it's a thing to be glad because then there is a hope. Though it does seem possible and even if it happens chances are that it's not an angel but technology. Novels don't write themsleves until they do, and since you have seen how the novels write themsleves you don't want them to write themsleves. Lovecraft's experiences with writing can both be a hint and a hope. Given how detrimental hope as been for you, you'd avoid the hope and focus on the hint. There are no miracles for the common man. There are no surprises. The common man goes to his job, if he is lucky, and comes back to his home, if he is lucky, eats, sleeps and the next day again goes to his job. He can wait for a miracle, but most the times what he actually gets is tragedy. There are little miracles but those are mostly baits. Where was the problem? The problem was science, when the truth is political science. Science can be truth too, but political science is more suitable and if it is political science, according to Murphy's law, it is sure to be turned into Machiavelian. There is hope because there is a scope that in the times of Jules Verne it was not like today, and it can be applied on Mary Shelly, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Poe and many others. Lovecraft and Conan Doyle do not offer hope in this sense but they do offer hope of truth, truth about whether it was like this in 19th and 20th century. Can God be with me? My kind of God would definitely be. But given how common man succumbs to his misery, God seems to be a far fetched idea. 

Corn on The Cob

You see the a perception walking around with you. There is no limit to the pathos that gets generated when someone doesn't deserve to play pool. What do the sidewalks say? They say that people don't deserve to recover from their sicknesses and woes. On a dark, rainy winter evening you and her walk towards an icecream shop on a wet road illuminated by streetlights. There are so many truths and the best part of it all is that you walking with her on a rainy winter evening to eat and icecream with her is also a truth. How humiliated a guy should feel if he has to conjure up a girlfriend to talk to on social media. The reason lies a few years back and then due to that reason a few more reason gets created. The girl who had to be the muse fades away in the stark reality of survival, now only the girls who are bothered about clothes, shoes and makeup remain. It's just like the guys with videogame consoles and gadgets. Delusion with a threat of an unpleasant surprise or reality with no surprises, what should one choose? He chose reality, and he was rewarded for it. Just that the reality turned out to be way worse than he could have imagined. Pink winter evenings still exist, and he wants to walk with her and go eat a corn on the cob on a rainy winter evening, but the issue is that it's all been spoiled. There was no reason for it to get spoiled and yet it did as the world started to rot slowly. The dude with the fake internet girlfriend had expectations, the dude with the girlfriend with whom he walked the winter road had expectations too. The dude wanting to eat corn on the cob with the girl realised that it all fades away and in the end only interactions that don't reach the heart remain. It's great however that pink winters actually exist. It's a respite in this enslavement. It was a splendid world, until it was spoilt by beasts, and these beasts are worse than beasts of the wild. The job of these beasts is the least intelligent job on this planet even less intelligent than manual labour where you don't even have to use your grey matter. The dude with the imaginary girlfriend ultimately took respite in imaginary characters. The dude who used to walk with her in the pink winter evenings finally moved on and started surviving. The dude eating corn on the cob with his girl in rainy winter evenings finally realised that love stories do not last, not because they can't but because the beasts that are worse than jungle beasts take a shit on them, and then the stench of these shitted upon love stories becomes unbearable. 

Burning Pina Colada

In the village, on the terrace you lie under the stars. It's summertime and a cool night breeze is blowing. There wasn't much to think about back then. All there was, was love. Sometimes when you are lucky you saw planes in the night sky, blinking and moving to their destinations. The mornings were not bad either. They were happy, and there was tea in steel cups. Come the morning and you would take a few rupees and run towards the nearby shop to buy toffees. Come afternoon and you became comfortable in a room which was magically cool without a cooler or air-conditioner and you would read stories. What an absolute heaven of a time. The village, first it deteriorated and then it became corrupt. It is either this or you grew up, though you suspect that it is a bit of both. Then there was a time when you got to a place that was supposed to rescue you from your woes. It didn't turn out to be that, in fact it was quite the opposite. It became a liability. The time was great then too, good rock music, good movies and games. You had a single focus back then and you were living in the present. Should you have lived so much in the present? Probably not. But then it didn't even cross your mind. The pain had started, and you see a character trying to make others realise the importance of life. And it is here you know that you always knew the value of life. The world was oyster back then. You don't know if the pain was inflicted or it was because you failed to resolve things. You have beat up yourself for the pain, for not being able to resolve things and ultimately getting the pain, but that's just a theory. It might be that the pain was inflicted, as you became aware of the truth, it seems more so. The time was not bad by any stretch and you spent it in the best possible way. It wasn't bad but it could never beat the time of the mattresses on the terrace. 

Shankhpushpi

It's just been one reason. At the time of the girl with blonde streaks, at the time of corporate lady at the quiz and at the time of the dude hitting on a supposedly Bangalore babe. It's always been just one reason. One has to realise where their server is. You suppose your server is in the east. It's been intense throughout. You realised the amount of torture that can be inflicted on human souls, but you also realised how soon the soul heals. It's quite understandable if it's the hometown or the whole region for that matter, but the hometown or the region walking around with you is not really understandable. Though by now you realise that there is no particular goal to it. You understand how the things are taken as. The question that presents itself is who the fuck is in control? It's all reflecting very bad on that person. Access to western propaganda and technology is the measure of success here. It's unfortunate. You can go back in time and wonder where is it when things exactly went wrong, not going to lie, when you felt almost invisible looking back in retrospect and realising that you weren't invisible and special attention was being paid on you feels great. Though what doesn't feel great is healthcare being a scam. A decade ago, it happened that a bunch of absolute criminals got access and got to judge shit. The problem is that when you mix shit with anything it makes it shitty. Seeing the past you haven't remembered since more than a decade feels great, though it's unfortunate the kind of absolute criminals and rapists that have the access to the past. I would like to pay attention on the evolution of this structure. How did it evolve in the first place. Is it since before independence, or was it setup after the independence. You know from experience that it was there and active in the 90s but still the nature of relationships was different in the 90s. One linguistic glitch made these motherfuckers shit around in groups from the north to south. They exploited this sociolinguistic glitch since the start but probably the truth is that they couldn't handle it themsleves. What was the probability? You have beaten yourself up a lot for the glitch but now you're just thankful to it for making this absolute shitshow visible to you. It's totally mind boggling that memories of people are in hands of assholes whose priorities are money and pussy or probably pussy and money. What actually is this structure? Shit has been normalised to the level where these motherfuckers now use it for trivial shit. These assholes never outgrew shit one is supposed to outgrow when they become an adult and you understand the process, there was never a need to. You think about it and a picture flashes in front of your eyes. Who are these assholes? Are they the government? Are they the erstwhile kings? Are they the industrialists? Are they the politicians who took control from the British? Or are they the old money? Situation is not really great. Since it's all Bhojpuri chatter you wonder if it's the hometown or the region? Are these motherfuckers really so dumb? Shit starts with incest. Back then you were so patriotic that you couldn't believe it. You had a whole different mindset back then. Why you? Why you since the start? It's a sabotage, and it's unfortunate that your region which you thought to be beautiful isn't so. You can't really buy class can you? These bastards are idiots. Does your region has a king? All respects if there is a king, though it doesn't seem so. Your culture has been raped. It will never go back to what it was ever again. The situation seems like the hospital in your hometown and since the cost of human resource is so low it seems it's one asshole per person. The reason that blocked you doesn't really block you anymore. You sit back relax and watch the shitshow and incompetence of whoever it is in control. 

Cloud Minus One

It's all about vibes it seems. A home delivery of a beer pub vibe. An alternative mindset, an alternative narrative that goes on with the normal life. You see your social credits decreasing, but given the setup it doesn't matter whether your social credits decrease or not. These individuals are so habituated to excesses that they are blind to the truth and hence they are habituated to the courtroom truths, and this is because only courtroom truths are useful but the problem is that they also manufacture these truths. You watch television and the movies seem to be coming out of the television, you open social media and it seems all about you. You had a different view of the country and the world back then, but that was a delusion and in the coming years you would come to realise that it was a delusion. Idiocy is rampant and so is criminality. It's unfortunate that there is nothing like mental health, there never was, and especially in this country. It's a rot, the slaves of the erstwhile masters practicing slavery themsleves. You wonder since when all of this is present. Was it present in the Victorian era? Or it started in the modern era? When you see Madhuri Dixit dancing on a dance number with literally numbers displaying behind her, when you are being chased by an elephant and you can't really run, when you in the school get a thought that whatever you think the opposite of it would be true and so you'd have to think negative for positive things to happen you don't think that all of it had a greater meaning. It's odd how things turned out to be. How they swallowed the culture and shit it unrecognisable in just three decades. You see the personalities of these motherfuckers and since it's been a decade you have also been able to map their intelligence, it's disappointing. You get trapped in the wrong strata and the game of unending exploitation begins, in fact it had begun since forever you just realised it after getting trapped in a wrong strata. You were not the guy, never were, but one needs intelligence to decipher that, which these incompetent criminals do not have. It's unfortunate that rapists and extortionists write kundalis of people but what can be done about that? The village was brought up, not the real village but the supposedly true village and there is a difference between that and it shows how incompetent and stupid these motherfuckers are. What was the reason anyway? There was no reason at all, but there was possibility of designing reasons so that they can be exploited. It's all way too simple. And they don't even have manufactured fatigue to blame this incompetence on. Some asshole from down South has a belief that you're jealous of an idiot, and you don't even consider him to be an idiot actually, it doesn't matter to you but yet he became a subject in your life. It's unfortunate, all of it. 

Direct Regulation

A whole new level of existence, but it's funny the kind of individuals that populate that existence. The least a so called layman would expect is enlightenment or at the very least intelligence, but no, unfortunately that is not the case. You can see life in retrospect, and you can see yourself from their perception or perspective because they bothered to manipulate the worldly things to let you know their perception of you. It's slavery, point blank. And these individuals are addicted to excesses of every kind while being addicted of depriving others of mere basics. What was the requirement of what happened? No requirement at all. But whims are also something. And the world rotates on the whims of those who can rotate it on their whims. The arrangement is suffocating, but it is what it is. Nothing can be done about it. One can take respite in fantasy if one is lucky enough to take respite in it. Not everyone can do it. Some are locked in the dungeon of disability and incompetence, and some even more unlucky ones are manipulated directly by methods that are totally against their conscience. There is no doubt that the world is beautiful, but it is even more beautiful when one is safe and secure in their own homes. When you see the larger picture, you realise that it's funny, all of it. You can decode it all, just that you need complete absence of a moral compass and rules of any kind. It's optimization, but in a whole different direction than what people would normally expect it to be. It unfolded gradually, and it unfolded bringing along with it a lot of delusions but reality is too on the face to accept delusions. It's all both believable and unbelievable at the same time. Believable because anyone who knows humanity and its history can predict it, and unbelievable because anyone who is hopeful wouldn't even think the worst case scenario to be true. But it is. People getting aware of the truth can lose their purpose. Though one can always go back to tribal communities and forest dwellers and can become one with nature. The forest dwellers don't need any purpose. Their whole purpose is to exist every day. 

Cupcake Cowboy

Indian matchmaking is quite funny. The bride's father checks the history of the groom, that's a normal thing. But I hadn't realised this level of background check when I thought of history checking. It's a movie where cupcakes play a starring role. The question here is "do I deserve to eat a cupcake?". You know stringent background check is the shit when the background check itself makes a person lose his individuality. We were talking cupcakes, are we. I wrote about cupcakes once and then sure enough, I had to eat them by the hands of my women. I think universities should launch diploma and degree courses in becoming eligible to eat pizzas, croissants and cupcakes, and yes, sandwiches from a specific outlet too. When I think of justice, I think of intent, but I suppose justice died with King Solomon and we don't really know whether he really was just or it is all religious propaganda. Were we talking Indian matchmaking, are they really matchmaking or are they eugenics experiments. A decade of experience in wading in shit and I think it's the latter. Never knew murder could be easy but then I had to see it. Murderers here started doing work from home long before the rest of the world started doing it, and anyway when murder is not heavy on the conscience, which it isn't at this level of existence, the mode of delivery doesn't really matter. It was like a hunt, like when you corner a boar (or a pig, whatever you prefer) and hunt it down. For what? Having an alias for roleplaying. It's funny that the dude was trying to honestly convince that it was roleplay. Unfortunately documentary channels can air episodes on shit like BDSM in Hindi, but individuals who need to watch them don't do it. I like young kids doing roleplay and cosplay on social media now though, they are daring to express themselves even if it is all anime shit which I'm not much acquainted with. So Thomas Anderson's Neo was not supposed to be the main character in this story at least, here it was Thomas Anderson who was the main character. Shit went crazy for no reason. Pussy is really expensive for some people and it turns out to be a extravaganza when they have no desire for pussy at all (neither dicks, if you are wondering.) This disparity and inequality in pussy prices needs to be settled by the Emperor. Shit has been mind-boggling and worst part is someone robbed me of the social credits that would have got me sweet smelling pussies, cupcakes, pizzas and of course croissants. 

Tragicomedy

Things get serious sometimes. Like if one talks to their loved ones they'd die. Like if one is not living in tandem with time the world will suffer a catastrophic event like a pandemic or a tsunami. But what happens when things get serious with a handicapped person with no legs that if they don't run a particular distance in a stipulated time an asteroid would hit the earth. I know these are just excuses. That I failed to save the earth from a catastrophic event, but why was a basket case made to have such a big responsibility? It's strange, all of it. A basket case made to carry the planet? Why? What was the logic behind it? Was it because he thought the world could be a better place and he was given the reigns of the world? When drama subsides, reality dawns. It's idiocy, all of it, and of gargantuan levels. I lay on the bed on a weekend and see the fan whirring above me. The air-conditioner has kept the temperature cool and I think about the vibes back in the day. Those were the good days back then but what's the problem with today? The worst part of the story is that you know what the problem with today is. You just can't talk about it, not really without sounding batshit. You failed your planet, you failed to save it. If only you were not a basket case. It's all in the mind, you see. It's all in the mind. You were baited, you still are baited and you try not to take the bait but not taking the bait is not totally up to you. Sometimes conditions are made such that you have to take the bait, there is isn't any option and if there is it's so miniscule that even acknowledging it is tough. Focus can be shifted and it can be shifted to things that you wouldn't normally or in your right mind think about. Your soul and your mind is sandwiched between the depravity and the tyranny of the structure that runs, if not this world, this country. Like the men and women who still carry other's shit on their heads you are made to carry the entitlement, delusions, judgements, prejudices, discrimination and idiocy of others. You wonder what is the eligibility for making others carry one's prejudices, entitlement and idiocy. There must be an eligibility to be able to freely rape, exploit, extort and destroy people without any consequences? There must be an eligibility to access people's souls freely and then to shit on them? A noir or a fantastical world won't be authentic if it doesn't contain the actual truth, nor would be space operas and numerous other worlds. This secret is hidden in the broad daylight and its this secret that makes everything one experiences in this world, a lie. We navigate delusions day in and day night and there are factories having the sole job of producing delusions for everyone. Things do get serious sometimes. But when you zoom out you realise that it's a comedy. It's just that this comedy thrives by creating tragedies in the lives of innocents. 

Blocks and Anchors

The blank page. You write something and then you press backspace. For honest writing one needs a basis, an anchor, but when one is aware of the anarchy in the world, that basis is shaken and the anchor becomes useless. Honest writers have a psychological or moral framework, a framework of beliefs and ideals that they hope matches with the readers for them to understand them. When you live at a place when there is no psychological or moral framework except self-interest, writing disintegrates. True, one can use life events to make things interesting, or one can entertain the readers with clever play of words, if you are old fashioned you miss the moral framework and sentimentality in a write-up. You sit in the front of the screen, type something and press backspace. And then you decide to write what's on your mind. You decide to abandon the sandbox you have made to create a write-up. You write what you feel. You have a habit of keeping your writing life and real life separate but there is no doubt that they influence each other. You sometimes take events in your real life and use it for your writing. Sometimes you write about things that are troubling you and have troubled you. A lot of writer's say that writing is about being vulnerable. You don't think so, but you understand it completely. Probably they are from better places that they can have the luxury of being vulnerable. In a place where people are only motivated by self-interest and do not think twice before exploiting others, being vulnerable is not an option. But you understand the benefits of being vulnerable. It brings a whole different level of honesty to writing. You are honest in your writing, but you are not vulnerable level honest. You are happy for those who can be vulnerable and survive. You have issues, because your life has anecdotes, funny, sentimental and tragic anecdotes. You could have written them. But you choose to not to do that. Vulnerable writers do that. They have committed to the art. You too are committed to writing but you are more of a creative writer. You do not want to pimp your life and you don't have as much honesty and seriousness towards life and the craft as vulnerable writers to tell about your life with conviction. It's just the experiences. You had the experience that life is not serious. Why? Because you realise the value of life in this country. People lose their lives and dignity on trifles. One lives in a setting like this and one realises that honesty is not the answer, escapism is. You have a hyperactive conscience and an intense moral framework, but you have realised that it is useless in a country like this. You may express your ideals in your writing but you know that if you are preaching it you are getting the person who gets inspired after reading it prone to exploitation and you don't want to do that. You have a basis and an anchor but these are for a world that you thought that it was. It's hard to write for the world as it actually is. What one can do, however, is become a circus clown and keep writing, something that satisfies them and something that amuses others. 

Teenage Pipe Dream

It was a pretty standard desire for the time, self-dependence, independence and being a self-made man. You wanted to deliver newspapers when you were a teen or do other things that made you independent, probably repairing motorcycles. You would love to repair motorcycles even now. You were ignorant at the time. You didn't know how the world worked, and so when you went to college you were happy, you wanted to be the best of whatever that education was supposed to make you. You can't stress it enough how good delivering newspapers or repairing motorcycles or any such things are for a teenager. You had a independent mindset which had grown from the mindset of delivering newspapers. At the time a major portion of it might also have been escape from your anxieties, which even though funny, were very practical for the time, and the anxieties only existed because you had a defensive attitude. These anxieties wouldn't have existed if you had an offensive attitude. But it's hard for people marked for continuous exploitation to be offensive. The world was vast back then, and one didn't have to face their fears, which is true even now; one doesn't actually have to face their fears, it's useless. It was twice in your life that you tried to start with a blank slate, but the truth is that the slate is never blank. It can't be for very political reasons. The narrative is kept simple, for ease in management, and God doesn't interfere. Wherever you went, you chose your ideals and standards and worked for them. It never really worked out and it is later that you found out why did it never work out. Being mindless and being guided by fear has its own issues, but you were not only being guided by fear but also hope. In your teens you wanted to get out of this country to escape your fears and your woes. There are countless people in history who have made their destinies like this, but you couldn't and it sucks to know that it wasn't fate. Blank slates don't work when your fate walks with you, at least what you considered to be fate back then. You chased success, just like any man or woman and the chase of success had its own reasons, just like any man or woman has. You were an independent man because very early you chose to be one but to your surprise later in life, your background, your culture and region was made to be a weight tied to your leg. The hilarious part in all of this, despite being independent you had been carrying your background, your culture and region in your heart, but what would idiots who only know love to be a thing that is meant to be exploited know. You carried your background, your culture and your region in your heart and you carried it on your head and shoulders when it was tied to your leg. There was a time when you had thought that you wouldn't be getting a good opportunity due to your performance, there was a time when you tried to escape your anxieties thinking the world is very big. The truth is performance matters shit and the world is elastic, it can grow big or small on the whims of those who control it. It's also true that no one can be independent and a self-made man or woman in this world though it's a great ideal to strive for. Self-dependence is achievable to a limit and one should strive for it. Though all these things stop to matter when you realise that this country functions on loot, thievery and extortion. People are looted, extorted and then murdered and this happens on the highest and deepest level of existence, the level where one would assume people who have opened their crown chakras are. Still, one can be right from their side. Newspaper delivery and bike repairing remained a teenage pipe dream. Independence remained a teenage pipe dream. You walk around with your background, culture and region on your shoulders like Atlas despite always carrying them in your heart. You are not independent, but at least you are not an idiot with absolute power. 

Wonderboy

There was a time when there was wonder. There were tales of Jules Verne and voyages and adventures, there was H. G. Wells, there were weird tales from H. P. Lovecraft. The world of today is too on the face for wonder to exist but then wonder like many other things is a state of mind. I had suffered a severe psychological trauma in my teens, for a very trivial thing but trauma is trauma, and due to that I became averse to surprises. Call it anticipatory anxiety or just anticipation, but when you try to anticipate and predict the future way too often, more often than not, you become good at it. For a long time I thought that the said psychological trauma had made me bitter, but when I paused and looked at my life in retrospect, the truth was far from it. I had not become bitter. What I had become was cautious. I escaped situations that would trigger the trauma, and I escaped them a lot. Though, whether or not by external help, the trauma generalised, and then still I used the best defences I could possibly use. And then came the time when I had to choose between the world and my sacrifice and I chose sacrifice. I'm happy with myself. It's like a multiple choice question, you have to make one choice and no one is there to tell you which choice is right and which is wrong. 90s were and are my favourite era. But I have conflict with that culture due to personal and very delusional reasons. I, if carry on with my old belief, wouldn't have been able to survive the 90s, or so I had thought, but then you never know, it's all about choices in the end, who knows what choices I would have made if it was the 90s, no pop culture and no internet. I amaze myself sometimes. I compensated for the idea of not being able to survive the 90s if not for a few factors. I was grateful for those factors for a long time. Being thankful is great until you start getting exploited for it. The structure and the individuals consisting of that structure have belief in my weakness and inferiority, while my weakness was such that it became the sole chink in my armour, which might be a good or bad thing. The issue is socio-cultural, the issue is also linguistic, and I didn't solve it like that, in fact when shit went south, I let the issue be. The issue was a problem once, and not now. What was exploited in me as weakness wasn't weakness at all. It was obedience. And here I realised about the mindlessly exploiting machine that exploits one and all, except some. If this country had to grow on the mental plane it didn't even have to look outside for it's itself rich in philosophy, spirituality, scriptures and knowledge, but gaining knowledge was never the priority, deriving pleasure from the pain of others was and it could be done because complete, and unbreakable control had already been established. Did pop culture and the internet save a guy? Probably it did, though there are several doubts on that. Is he thankful for that? Well he was, for a long time. But then even his thankfulness was exploited. The wonder that was present in childhood was lost, though it kept showing itself at regular intervals, but why would it continue if the whole Earth can be visualised from a website including its street level view. The guy was tortured for his wonder. For his wonder of the deep sea, for his wonder of the space, for his wonder of the universe, for his wonder of the nature. It was the 90s that encouraged him to wonder and come the 21st century, wonder became a crime. Is he thankful for surviving what he probably couldn't have in the 90s? Should he be thankful for surviving as a slave? Depends. 

Samvidhan Blues

You have your ideas about what controls lives of people. And not a long back you thought that structure to be benevolent. Truth is, why wouldn't you think that, as this structure has and exercises God level powers on people, or should I say citizens. Your delusions got broken when you realised that the real truth of this world is power, sex, money and resources. It took you some time to digest that, as you are not that kind of a person. You like order and rule of law. But truth remains the truth, it's power, sex, money and resources. Things started to happen to you and gradually took a turn towards blackmail, intimidation, threatening and extortion, along with attempts to frame you at every step of your life. Naturally the first thought that crossed your mind was what have you even done to deserve that, but no answer was given. You then saw your life in retrospect and realised that these individuals torture, frame, rape and murder people based on their whims and just for fun. The scope of discussion ends then and there once one realises that these individuals torture, frame, rape and murder people just for the kicks of it. You can smell the entitlement of these spoilt assholes and you can see the idiocy and incompetence. There is no scope deliberation after you realise the real nature and character of this structure. It was disappointing how simple all of it was. Anybody would be disappointed. You open your crown chakra and you see power, sex, money and resources as social currency and you see unchecked rape, extortion, exploitation, framing, intimidation and murder flourishing. You see discrimination on the basis of literally anything in a systematic manner at the highest and deepest level that it can exist, not even today, but ever. When you see that, you realise that God doesn't really exist and people are at the mercy of depraved and criminals rapists and extortionists. You really thought you were going cray. That your subconscious was acting up. There was discrimination and ridicule based on grammar, English, social class and region, and ultimately you realise that these individuals discriminate on the basis of anything under the sun. They torture people for their looks, their sicknesses, their handicaps, their traumas. In short they ridicule, discriminate against, exploit and torture a handicapped person for being handicapped, and they freely indulge in victim blaming. In fact they not only blame the victim for being the victim but also torture him for that. They induce imposter syndrome and survivor's guilt into people. This structure works day and night to torture people and exploit them. They drain finances of families so that they can't become stable and they break them. It's a gala of sadism, depravity, rape, extortion, exploitation and murder. I got eyes on myself and I paid for it. But in the meanwhile I got to learn about the real character of this nation. The truth is that the very soul of this country is rotten, and all we got to do is to be financially secure and take care of our families and ourselves, because there is no law to save the common people and there is no God. The truth of the world is power dynamic and the level the control exists on the people, the power dynamic would always be in the favour of these individuals. Let's see what was I actively prevented from doing: I was prevented from studying, taking exams, reading non-Indian literature, eating foods like pizzas and croissants, visiting good restaurants. I was made to feel like an anti-national for reading foreign comics, literature and reading about other countries. I didn't deserve to read English and listen to my kind of music. Funny thing, it all started happening when I went to Bihar and went to a specific social media (then networking) platform. It totally boggled my mind how idiotic the individuals who have control of the minds of people in this country are, and how they rape, destroy and murder people just based on their whims and delusions. My woes originate in my home region and probably my hometown and I was marked early, and they have been trying since more than two decades to sabotage me. The amount of effort that has been put in exploiting and sabotaging me and given the power and reach of individuals there is no doubt that they would be successful if not now then later, but in the meanwhile I realised and came to know about the character of the real machine that runs this country. The basics as I said are simple, power, sex, money and resources. People are not only enslaved upto the bones, but also manipulated, humiliated, framed, raped, exploited and tortured freely by these individuals just based on the whims of these individuals. The control is absolute and this structure is the only providence that exists. How I know that? Because there are no miracles and happily ever after in the lives of the poor, and these individuals have snatched the only things the poor had too, that is happiness and culture. This country is ruled by despotic and genocidal rapists and extortionists, who believe in continuously torturing people so that they can experience no happiness whatsoever, and here I was thinking that it was God. 

Thinking on Paper

"Writing is thinking on paper." I studied medicine and had a special interest in psychiatry since the start, so I don't need writing for clarity on my life, I do it for creative pleasure but that doesn't mean writing doesn't help me when I'm overwhelmed. There have been countless times when writing my journal has provided me with clarity on my thoughts and my life. Writing can save lives, and I recommend that people write journals, though I also would like to tell them to keep them private. Writing a journal gives you an idea about the state of mind you had in the past, and also keeps you aware of the chronology of your evolution, especially when memory fails. Not boasting, but I have immense clarity on life and my relationships and a little part of it can be attributed to my writing, my journals and my writing in general. I like to think on paper. The past decade was tremendously tough for me, but I carried on and I kept writing. I have wanted to be a writer since my teenage and I committed to it. Now I don't want to be a writer in a social or professional sense but just in the sense that I want to create and create things that I wanted to read that noone wrote. The advent of artificial intelligence has, at least in my eyes, ended professional writing, and so has the narcissism perpetuated by social media. But one can write, if they can, for personal pleasure and for honing their craft of writing which I do on a daily basis. The past decade has been unreal for me. What it taught me was about different levels of narratives for different social classes and regions in this country, and how these narratives are imposed on random people in this country by the controllers of the narratives. There was a popular culture when it came to literature in this country once. I remember I had read Chetan Bhagat's Five Point Someone when I was in school, and I remember liking it. I now realise that I liked it because it had an honesty about it. I did not like any other Chetan Bhagat novels after that. I was in school or probably new in college when I read novels by Taslima Nasreen and Khushwant Singh. I remember authors like Preety Shenoy being famous back then. I was an avid reader and read anything I got my hands on. I regularly read short stories by the masters of short stories, like O. Henry, Guy de Maupassant and others. I read Kafka. I read English and Russian classics in third and fourth years of my college and paid heavily for that, and it is then I realised the true character of this nation. I remember getting inspired by Anton Chekhov and his quote: "Medicine is my lawful wife, and literature is my mistress. When I get fed up with one, I spend the night with the other." It was after reading Chekhov that I wanted to be a physician-writer. For quite sometime I applied Chekhov's stream of consciousness technique while writing until I realise that this country's political situation doesn't really allow for a stream of consciousness approach. How can you do stream of consciousness when you can't even find yourself within you. It is then I realised that this country is totalitarian state with illusion of complete freedom where a person's actions done in the illusion of freedom are later exploited. I went through a lot of delusions but writing came in handy in their resolution. I do not have any delusions anymore, not about myself and not about the political state of this country and the world. There is no doubt that we live in a situation worse than slavery, but we have multiple distractions to keep our attention away from it and it is these distraction we need to focus on to keep happy in our lives as in the end it is the happiness that matters. Writing is my happiness so I seek it. I like thinking on paper, and I like creating. 

The Write Concepts #1

I have been thinking of concepts to write about. I get an idea and I apply it on one of my ongoing writing projects. My favourite genres to write are noir, detective fiction, gothic fiction, weird fiction, mythological fiction, science fiction and cosmic horror. What I was aiming for was an amalgamation of all these genres, and I think I have reached somewhere with that. I like Victorian and early 20th century British literature and I like their vibe, additionally I also like the vibe of gothic literature and would like to experiment with it. As I have found out that it takes considerable effort to adapt some genres to an Indian setting. The Victorian fiction setting can be adapted easily if one chooses to exploit the British rule in India and the rest are doable too, so why not? I have seen Philip K. Dick's writing adapted to the screen and it turned out to be pristine. I had an idea of writing a supernatural horror detective series but it couldn't go anywhere, though I still want to pursue it. It deals with crime, occult and supernatural themes and the detective is in parts is inspired by DC's character Constantine and a generic crime fiction detective, the best example of it would be Sherlock Holmes. There are two novels in my head, one is a supernatural, historical fiction, sci-fi adventure and another is an Indian mythological noir. I have actually begun writing them but writing them makes me realise the difference between my vision and my writing ability though they aren't really turning out that bad for drafts. The first novel, which I was very excited about back in the day is turning out to be a little generic, the second one however is a great idea. The reason the first one is generic is because it was conceptualised before social media, it's about a university and corporation against each other and has supernatural, science fiction and historical fiction themes. I believe that however generic an idea is, it's the treatment that matters and with the treatment it has the potential to be a page turner. The second concept is straight up amalgamation of Indian mythological fiction and noir. It's a novel idea and I have not seen this concept anywhere in domestic and foreign pop culture. Again, treatment is key. I write my novels when I get time and when I feel like it. The writing projects though, are written often and especially when I need to materialise a vague idea. I suppose I should write the supernatural detective fiction, despite knowing that detective fiction in today's day and age has become redundant and useless, even if one puts supernatural and occult spins to it. But I can have fun doing that. 

A Writer's Flashback

If I look back at when I formally started writing, it would be beginning of 2010. I have been writing before that too, but it was in 2010 that I started a blog. That time was of hope and dreams. I actually believed that future would have flying cars back then as I was primed by Discovery channel in childhood to believe so. It was a surprise when I discovered that the future is going to be a subjectively desolate dystopia where everything would be shiny but people wouldn't be happy and satisfied and in the worst case scenario it might also turn into an actual dystopia. Back then I was a fan of Franz Kafka and the noir genre. I used to read a lot of short stories and cheap Indian novels. I actually wanted to be a writer, and since I was already studying to be a physician, I wanted to be a physician-writer. I wanted to write novels and comic books. As early as 2012 I had the plot of my first novel ready in my head and as late as 2015 I had been collecting inspirations for my novel. Writing a novel is not hard, but writing a good novel is. And I wanted my novel to be a good one. As of now, I have ideas of two novels in my head and I can strech my first novel into a series. I started writing my novels for Wattpad, because they are inside me and I need to get them out, I do not have any intent of getting them formally published anymore because Indian publishing houses are a circlejerk who only publish established, famous or well connected individuals and are propaganda eco chambers. I write my novels for the sole reason of getting them out of my system and for deriving creative pleasure while I do so. I have a bit of OCD, I need to organize things, and initially I used to leave things unorganised to battle it. Just to satisfy my OCD I had to have different writing spaces got different types and genres of writing, for example I needed to have a seperate blog for satire and serious writing, and thus I ended up having multiple blogs. Recently I compiled all my writings on a single blog, and now they are easy to access. I think I have won over my OCD. I still have multiple blogs, for different genres and kinds of writing but now they are not due to any compulsion. When I was younger I used to do poetry. I used to vent my feelings through poetry I wrote a bit of romantic poetry in this period and all sometimes erotic poetry. I still write poetry but less often. It's 2024, and it's been more than fourteen years since I have been formally writing and I continue to write despite knowing that writing is useless. Artificial Intelligence, now, can write better than humans, and majority of people, due to social and other media being accessible, do not read. Still, I continue to write for creative pleasure and to be better at my craft, as it is the only art I know. 

Paranoia Ramble

I have been feeling a control over my life since more than a decade whereas the control has been there for much longer than that. The main approach is disabling people mentally and physically, draining their finances, manipulating their relationships and torturing them psychologically and physically while at the same time keeping them deluded. The idiocy has been tremendous and it looks like I made some enemies when I do not remember making any. It took me time to realise that these individuals are rapists and extortionists who have access to minds, bodies, thoughts, sensations and consciousnesses and memories of people. The threshold is pretty low in this country, what can one say. This is direct slavery and there is nothing that can be done about that. I suffered tremendously and only because I was a good and reasonable person. I don't know about the structure, whether it's the government or the deep state or something else together, all I know that this structure rapes, murders, tortures and exploits people and families on its whims. The idiots who are in this structure are idiots and so deep in rape and depravity that they have no proper understanding of reality. In 2016 it was tried to induce psychosis in me and the effort continued till 2021. There was no reason for it all. Internet was used as a tool for gaslighting, which wouldn't have been successful of there wasn't a neurological component to it. I had thought it was cyberbullying, and it might be too, but then I remember the joke: "cyberbullying? Just turn off the computer!" I realised that everything is fake. I had faith in the justice system, in the media, in the nation. Turns out everything is just for show and people's lives are micromanaged directly. People are prevented from studying, passing exams, gaining skills and then they are tortured. It's direct slavery where people's lives are directly manipulated. In my case so much fatigue and physical torture was pumped into me that I became senseless and then my mind and body were possessed. Majority of thoughts in my head aren't mine. My cognitive functions and memory are disabled, in fact it's been around seventeen years since they have been disabled, and I get tortured both psychologically and physically day and night. The reason? I still don't know the reason. I really didn't take myself that seriously, but one cannot help if someone else takes you seriously. The individuals who have access to minds of people in this country are despotic and genocidal rapists who believe totalitarian micromanaging of personal lives of people. They think of people as their property, and everyone except them is essentially a refugee in this country who can be made to lose all his assets, belongings and finances just based on whims of these assholes. In 2004, I wanted to go to US, but later in life I realised that shit is the same everywhere. Even in US such cases of needless torture are present, one case particularly I noticed of a government servant whose daughter was neurologically tortured for something that his father did. In my case it was tried to make me an imposter but I have a habit of cutting out the crap so it couldn't happen. Overt attempts were made to prevent me from studying and taking exams in addition to disabling my mind and memory. Things like my class 12th score, my PMT score, my bachelors stream of study were exploited. Thoughts were first inserted in my head and then I was blackmailed for them. I was blackmailed for my secrets, which actually aren't that important. When these things are exploited you know that these individuals are criminals and the slavery is direct. The funny thing is that none of it was required. One approach used that my bad attributes were magnified, which aren't many, and my good attributes were minimised. My life was manipulated in such a way which is akin to putting blinders on the eyes. There was cognitive manipulation was such that I had only few options to choose from, and majority of the times these options were none of what I wanted to choose from. The truth is that these things can't be understood until one subjectively experiences them. There is forceful manipulation of consciousness where a person can't think about anything else except what is pumped in their heads, despite not wanting to think about those things, and then the person is neurologically, physically and psychologically tortured for thinking about the things which he had no choice but to think about, because his consciousness has been forced to think about these things. These individuals are habituated to rape, murder and torturing people and derive dopamine from humiliating and torturing people and they design humiliation and ruins of people and families just for the sake of enjoyment. There is no law, law is just something that prolongs suffering of people. This country is corrupt at the deepest and highest possible level and there is no salvation. 

Turing Test for Backward Regions

It's been quite a learning experience for a bunch of motherfuckers. It's been a decade and yet they can't seem to learn it, but I am a good teacher. It's unfortunate how low the threshold of existence in this country but anyone who has travelled in general bogies of trains would know it. I have come a long way from the difference between hearsay and heresy. Shit was same just the excuses were different. None of what happened was required though. One thing that comes to mind is whether what happens on the mental plane of the citizens of a country is in anyway related to the government in power? That would answer a lot of questions. My woes however started one year prior to the change in the government, and if I be very honest, shit has been on throughout my life. The most shitty thing that I realised is that one is not safe even in their homes. Language was not an issue in my life before 2010s. It gradually started to grow and started to acquire a major chunk of my life. Shit started in 2013 with grammar, and went way out of control with the whole language itself in 2016. It was in 2016 my perception about the world started to change, though as far as I can remember the needless paranoia had started from 2013 itself. Very interestingly I had predicted the prognosis in around 2010 itself with help from Kaplan and Sadock. Shit has been insanely funny and I have been seeing these motherfuckers shitting around since a decade now. When shit started going, for the lack of a better word, haywire, the first thing that I did was arranging my priorities and preferences. All of it was needless. It still baffles me how these motherfuckers despite having all the knowledge in the world, even though stolen, can be so stupid, but they are. Was it punishment? Punishment for what? I really believe that there needs to be eligibility criteria in this country for dispensing punishments. Occam's Razor turned out to be true in my case, and the thing that I feared almost whole of my life finally turned into the one of the worst and most prolonged tortures a human being has recieved on this planet. Everything has been predictable until now and I suppose that I'm not going to get surprised anymore. I don't know what made me believe so strongly that my supposed region is not backward. I have no idea. It seems pretty backward when I see the intelligence of the individuals who control the minds of other people in the region. To be frank, I pity these motherfuckers and their mindset. I hadn't done something that deserved a perpetual torture of my soul and the deep hurts that were inflicted on me. It felt deep at the moment but then I realised that these are just assholes who derive their dopamine from genuinely torturing souls of people. The deepest hurt that could have been inflicted on me has already been inflicted and I do not have anything to fear anymore practically. Shit would get even funnier if it would all be for whims of entitled bitches. These motherfuckers are idiotic and depraved retards and I used to use phrases like "falling sky" for what happened to me but later I realised that things are not serious and these motherfuckers rape and murder people on their whims and slowly torture people for entertainment, so it's of no use being this serious. The threshold has been very low. The whole discussion ends when idiotic retards and depraved rapists who shouldn't not even be close to a human mind, actually control it. But it is actually consistent with the character of this country. 

Word Salad For a Constitutional Democracy

We don't know how schizophrenia works. We can give psychopathological and psychopharmacological reasons for it, like dopamine dysregulation and myriads of other factors but one of the most unfortunate things is when the sufferer can't really find solace in the diagnosis. For him or her, symptoms like thought broadcast, thought insertion are real. The worst part of it all is how low the threshold for schizophrenia in India is. When I was studying physiology, I wanted to go into the field of neurophysiology, to narrow it down, in the field of neuropsychology though due to knowledge within and around me at the time, I had conveniently ignored the fact that if there would be a totalitarian government ever in the world, it would first, even before the colonization of space, think of controlling the minds of people. It's human nature and it's predictable. It's also predictable that when some time has elapsed these individuals would start fulfilling their sadistic, voyeuristic and depraved desires through these mind controlled people and would start micromanaging lives of people. In USA there is prevalence of a phenomenon called gangstalking. In this phenomenon a person suspects that some individuals are conspiring against him, tapping his phone calls, coming in groups and trying to intimidate him, stalking him. There is also a concept related to gangstalking which is called remote neural monitoring in which the sufferer feels that his thoughts are being heard by individuals, and it is similar to the psychiatric concept of thought broadcast. They feel that their thoughts and minds are being neurologically controlled and monitored. Mental health in India would always remain a stigma. It's something like sex. Sex has been as long as humans have and it's still a taboo. It's taboo because it's a political tool. Take simple examples of our digestive and excretory functions. Farts are funny. They will always remain funny, not because they are funny, but because they are political and they are political because they are social. Problem is not the control, problem is when the ones in control are stupid and idiotic despite having all the knowledge and information in the world, majority of which they are stealing. Mental health would remain a taboo, suffering would remain generational, not because of genetics but because some individuals take offense on little things and decide to slowly torture families and their coming generations. When AI lies about gangstalking, you know that all of this is institutionalised and systematic. You are ill, you die. You are ill and you have money, you buy more time for yourself. In the end it's all business. The true measure of a place or country is the threshold of people going crazy or criminal at that place. It's a whole different matter when you have to respect and revere individuals whom you neither can see nor know about.

Confessions of a Comic Book Reader

I still remember that in my childhood each comic book had its own vibe, a distinct vibe. This particular thing can only be felt by someone who has read and owned comic books. I don't feel the soul in comic books anymore, and it can be because either the fault is in me and that I have become immune to that form of storytelling or it may be that quality of comic books has depreciated. The last comic book that I really felt was a comic book magazine in early 2010s by the name of Comic Jump. It had multiple serialised comic strips. I had a vast collection of comics when I was a kid, though my family not realising what a treasure it was gave it away to raddiwala. 90s were a great time for comic books, and late 2000s and 2010s saw a growth in comic book pop culture, though it all died down in 2013 and 2014. Can it be a coincidence that the downfall of newly launched comic book companies coincided with government change. It can be. Maybe internet, social media, video games and OTT swallowed the comic book culture. Though people who are interested in comic books are still interested in them. It was during corona period that PDFs of old 90s comics started circulating on WhatsApp and new Facebook groups and communities started to form around comics. A lot of people who had forgotten their childhoods and comics remembered them during the boredom of corona period. I promote reading comics. I tell every kid I meet to read comics and I would send comic books to kids of my friends and family as soon as they grow old enough to read. The comic book Facebook groups and communities are now avenues of leg pulling and backbiting but you live in this country long enough, you realise that it's the normal pattern. People are made to live in a invisible psychological curfew and no communities revolving around anything are allowed to exist, unless it is organised crime, if these people do not belong to upper class. Anyway it was good to see resurgence of comic book culture, even for sometime, during corona period. Comic books make kids imaginative. I owe my imagination to reading books and comic books and hence I promote comic books and tell every kid, who I can tell, and whose parents can afford it to read comics books. 

Subways and Crabs in a Bucket Design

I was in Patna and I wanted to see that city in monochrome. I kept writing during my college days, and continued with my own art and writing projects. I used to talk about shit infested subways of Delhi, and kept clicking pictures of narrow water logged streets of Patna. At that time I used to think that one can write and create whatever one wanted in this country, not knowing that the only narrative that is allowed, at least for the middle class, is the Hindi newspaper narrative. Art projects are great, they help with the perspective, if you are allowed to have other perspectives, that is. I look back at my writing and realise that it was filled with idealism. I was an idealistic person and hence my writing too was filled with idealism. I have always considered the bottomline to be the truth of society, as the real reality, and so I wanted to expose myself to the real reality. Though I later realised that there is no end to corruption and depravity in this country, it is actually a deeply corrupt and depraved country so much so that there is no chance of salvation. It's corrupt at the deepest possible level. I also realised that there is no reality, just shared experiences, and everybody is tripping on their own trips. The only way to climb up the social ladder is betrayal and murder, at least I have had that experience, and non-violence, which I practice would only make you more susceptible for exploitation as it would be seen as the sign of your weakness and fear. I practice non-violence because I believe that co-existence is possible. Though I had to change my ways, because the kind of individuals who have control, non-violence is not useful and hence I switched to judicious use of violence. There are a few takeaways from my life until now, and the chief takeaway is that money is everything. I still believe that money is not everything and my priority is still my relationships but I have understood that money is everything when social and worldly survival is considered and relationships don't last long if you don't have money. Other takeaways are that there is no limit to depravity and exploitation in this country and power is mostly in the hands of incompetent, depraved, despotic and genocidal individuals, and that if you are living your life happily others will try to destroy it for no reason, and it happens at the deepest and highest possible level. I have realised that only thing you need to focus on while living in this country is your family and yourself, that's the only thing that matters. The structure that controls the lives of people in this country believes in isolating people and sabotaging relationships so that it can retain power. I realised that religion is just a smokescreen and those who control it do not believe in it themselves. The pathos in this country is beyond comprehension but people who suffer have gotten used to their suffering. The main issue is people thinking other people as objects to be exploited for their gains, but the problem is not this, the problem is that it is the standard method of existence in this country and those who do not understand this are prone to get exploited. Going forward by exploiting others is the only way to exist in this country and it is promoted at the highest and deepest possible level. And make no mistakes, all of it is intentional. Those who do not understand this truth are bound to suffer. I have come to a stage where there is no point of writing, but I write because it gives me pleasure and since it is the only art I know, it is the only source from which I can derive creative satisfaction. And if I'm writing, why not write the truth. 

Profound Ramblers of Women's Worlds

I always believed that women are the shade in which a man rests. It's not true anymore. We live in modern times, women are independent and good men have to make their own shade. I made my own shade. Women have tough lives, and unlike men, they are not only slaves, in this mediaeval arrangement hidden behind the facade of modernity, but also sex slaves. Women get a pedestal which boys don't get, and the most unfortunate women are those who don't get a pedestal, because they have to compete with men. The women who don't get a pedestal, which in fact is due to sexual reasons, have to make their own pedestals which again is by sexual objectification of themsleves which actually requires a threshold of beauty. I have had the good or bad fortune, whatever you call it, of witnessing demonesses, who stand on the pedestals made by men and get other women raped. I was wrong, women are not the shade under which a man rests. Given the reality of this country they are just objects that are to be exploited for pleasure. And demonic bitches standing on pedestals made by men aid in that exploitation. I was a romantic person. I believed in romance, but this country is not educated and refined enough for romance and it's as uneducated and illiterate as those who control it. I had romanticised version of women in my head. In my teenage I saw girls getting fucked by opportunistic assholes, while boys who really loved, respected and took care of women got screwed and finally chose better things to do. It's the era of individualism and women can have their delusional entitlement in this harem of a country. Women who are conscious about their modesty, have adapted, those who wanted to climb at any cost are selling their modesty. While demonic and entitled whores are spitting on what it is to be a woman. I'm a mother person. I believe in divine mothers. I have immense faith in them. I believe in muses and when I realised that women in this world would never satisfy my expectations, I turned to my muses. Except for the demonesses, rest of the women have got it harder than an average man. While an average man is a slave and is tortured, average women are not only slaves but also sex slaves, they are not only tortured but also raped. It was my fault, it was my high expectations from women. It's unfortunate that I now do not have a romanticised image of women, and neither do I respect women as much as I did earlier. Make no mistakes, it's not because I am bitter, or I'm am angry with women. It's just because finally, after having observed the world, I do not consider them better than men, but equal. 

The Pole dance of Democracy

Things got funny. There is no other way to describe it. And none of it was required. I was cognitively disabled at eighteen, but hope fuelled me and I continued. I became somewhat famous in 2013. The sabotage became overt in 2013 and while sabotage and torture were already continuing, they became shamelessly overt in 2016. It is after 2016 I realised how stupid these motherfuckers are. To sabotage me post 2016, they went back to late 1960s and early 1970s. Let's put the milestones at 1970 and 2016 and calculate the time. These motherfuckers went almost fifty years back or even further to sabotage a guy of 27 years, and when the shit started he was 23. This is the level of the depraved retardation. It would have sounded unbelievable to me if I was told earlier that all of it happened because I offended a 21 year old bitch on social media, that too unintentionally when I was 23. But now, in the new India, the possibilities are endless. I was thinking of whatever happened as smart, but then back then I wasn't appreciating or didn't want to appreciate the full scope of it. It's actually stupid all of it and these motherfuckers are retarded and absolute idiots in addition to being depraved and entitled rapists. This country is corrupt and rotten at the deepest level, and there is nothing that can salvage it, not now not ever. The basic play is of vibes, and I would suppose that vibes are neurological entities which are formed due to complexing of sensations emotions and feelings which in turn are a result of complexing of thoughts. At least I hope that the process is this. I do not fear hell because I have lived in it whole of my life, for no reason and so do many other people in this shithole of a nation. If this country even exists and is independent, the socio-cultural hierarchy mind-boggling and so is the stupidity of the assholes who designed it. That's what happens when undignified corrupt assholes rule a country. No wonder Kings are rampwalking and Queens are deriving their happiness from foreign brands in this absolute shithole. Even though hell is not over for my body, hell is personally over for me, at present I'm just enjoying watching the shitshow of absolute corruption, rape and genocide. I was betrayed by the nation and my region and my hometown, and I was humiliated and tortured for belonging to my culture and region, I was actually proud of my region and culture but gradually I realised that with the kind of despotic genocidal rapists that control my region and culture, there is nothing to be proud of. I realised that my region has gone way beyond totalitarianism, and these croissant eating motherfuckers have, by now, thoroughly raped the culture. It's now a pole dance of rape, exploitation and extortion. I have no idea why so much effort was made on me, but now I know enough to not to want to know it either. 

Uncouth Simulcra

The past decade has been about a lot of useless things. I got a lot of clarity on things in this time. I realised that there is no God, except what is inside you, though looking at the nature I really hope that there actually is, but seeing the state of the world there doesn't seem to be one. Hope has been both, a good thing and a bad thing for me. Hope is good because it provides motivation, and it's bad because of the actual state of affairs in the world. What was so special in me that I was sabotaged since the age of sixteen? And actively since the age of twenty four. It's not my fault that these motherfuckers are retarded. I distinctly remember my cognitive functions getting blocked at the age of eighteen. At that point I had thought that it is somatization of my anxieties, that I suffered with amnesia due to panic due to examinations and due to my worst fear ultimately coming true. While in part it might be true, the experience I have had in the past decade, all of it doesn't seem to be true. At first it was neurological torture and insertion of delusions, then it turned into what it actually was, exploitation, rape and extortion, torture and murder. These individuals had no actual reason to do this to me, as my goals were simple and did not include anyone else. Intelligence establishment of this country is redundant and this country is run by directly neurologically controlling individuals and manipulating IPRs within families and relationships. Shit is direct, and religion plays no role except prolonging the suffering of people, which is unfortunate for a country which has deep philosophies, mythology, spirituality and traditions. The ultimate truth turned out to be simple. Spoilt and entitled rich control people nerves and bones and they have employed rapist criminals to directly manipulate individuals and families and the society through them. None of it was required in my case. I had simple goals, and my personality is not such that I pick fights. It's a fault of my personality that I judge people more than what they actually are, and I did the same with this establishment, when the truth is that these motherfuckers are despotic genocidal rapists. 

Nostalgia Shot

How great it was, a bunch of friends playing Quake 3 Arena on LAN. A bunch of dudes going on long rides on their bikes, stopping at a tea stall to drink tea. Does that world still exist? Probably it does, but it has lost its meaning. Lord of The Rings on a 5.1 surround system, it had a meaning back then. Losing is not as bad as losing the meaning in the the things you once loved to do. All that remains now is nostalgia. A lot of it. You see the world through the filter of your perception. Age of Empires on a dial-up modem, Tribes 2 and its bgm on cheap 2.1 speakers which you thought you would replace with a great 5.1 surround sound system. When did you lose all the meaning in these things? You realise that it is because your priorities changed. Was it a fault in personality? Probably it was. But it is also called prioritising things. You prioritised things were more important, and that can't be wrong, never will be. The world changed too fast. And 5.1 surround sound systems became older, they were replaced by more advanced systems, just that the soul of music which one was supposed to listen on great speakers was lost. Though old music still exists and so does classical music, the music that would always have soul. How great was Yahoo Messenger. You spent days in the Harry Potter chatrooms, roleplaying as Harry Potter characters. Now they probably do that on Discord. You don't understand Discord. Probably you are old. The things you loved back then stood the test of time. Quake 3 Arena and Tribes 2 are still great games. You wonder if they would ever reboot Tribes. Quake still gets relased but it's not as fun as Quake 3 Arena. Probably it was the time back then. Probably it was the lack of options. Things were not bad back then, in fact they were great. You remember how you loved comic books and collecting them. You have no idea where did your collection go. You prioritised a goal over your interests and when you reached that goal you realise that you would have reached it even if you haven't sacrificed your interests. The comic books had worlds hidden in them. So do all the books. And so when you got the chance, you collected videogames and books. They have no meaning anymore but you wanted to do that for the old times sake. You have all the videogames and books you wanted now, but what is absent is the desire to play and read them. You understand the mathematics of the world now. Innocence is ignorance and ignorance is sin. Though when you lose the ignorance, you realise that you were better off being ignorant even if it made you susceptible to exploitation. 

A Love Letter

I was never able to make you believe that I love you. People can love different people differently, I love diffrent people diffrently I don't know about others. I have no idea how and why my love for you couldn't go across from my heart to you. You loved me the traditional way, which was right on your part but I couldn't, I couldn't because I had some rules and I was not intoxicated and consumed in love as people generally are. My love for you was, in fact, is a sane one. But it was love. How unfortunate is it when you love someone and they also love you and you can't get your love across. You know that they love you but you are not able to make them believe that you too love them. My love for you was sane, but your love for me was worldly. Is that how women love? To get married? Probably that's how all women love. To get married. It's a splinter in my heart, that I couldn't make you believe that I too love you. What was so special in me that I wouldn't love you. Though the world comes in between. It always does. The seeds of suspicion and disbelief are sown by the world. I could've handled it, if only the world hadn't come in between. I would have made you believe that I love you. That you are deserving of love. Did the world spoil you, I don't know. I'm not sure about it. I went through hell, but I survived it because I was a warrior, and warriors live in hell. I would never know whether you were or were not part of the problem and it doesn't matter because I loved you, in fact, I still do. Probably you were part of the problem, or probably you were as unfortunate as me, or probably you were supposed to have a better life. I don't regret shit, except the things I did that I didn't want to do. I could've kept it clean, but does that matter. Two lonely souls taking care of each others, or maybe not, just one lonely and other not so loney soul taking care of each other. It doesn't end for me, it never will, and I know that it's the world that came in between and it was not you. I regret nothing except not being able to show my love for you, not being able to make it reach to you, and again it was the world that prevented it. I forgive you, because your love was worldly. Probably women only love to get married. 

Pineapple on Pizza

Everything turns out to be fake. It was disappointing, as it turns out everyone is a wannabe. Bikers doing cross country are wannabe, rockstars and rock fans are wannbes. They didn't have to be. I thought I had missed out on a lot, turns out I had not. It's the nature of this country, turning everyone into imposters. The style is keeping the actual culture(s) low, propagating a fake high culture and setting it as a goal to be achieved which the individuals who follow it or want to follow it think to be real. It is here that one becomes thankful for having roots. There is no point in going to comic cons, lit fests and bike weeks and music fests if one has to "achieve" it. These events and places are signifiers of interests and anyone who is interested should go if they have the money, but a decade ago, pizza became a thing to be achieved for me, probably it was the state I lived in, I have no idea how much part in it all the state I lived in at that time had to play in it, but it is the very reason that place is what it is. Pizza is not worth it if it has to be achieved, it is a food item and people who have money should eat it if they please, but we live in a country where mall escalators and pizzas are gate-keeeped from people. It was not applicable on me, but it was forcefully applied on me. The discrimination, and on a very personal scale was brewing from the past twenty years and in the process I realised how severe discrimination and gate-keeping the common people of this country go through, and also in the meantime realise that all comic cons, bike weeks, music fests and lit fests are fake and are organised with the very intent of deluding people not to mention the level of control over people I came to know about that make all these things redundant. I'm not interested in eating a pizza in a country where people are prevented from eating a pizza with their own money. It betrays an absolute lack of class in individuals who are in control. The hierarchy of the structure is the same as it looks from outside. English is not a language but a thing that you have to deserve speaking, deserve speaking by doing what is the question. Pizza even if it is bought with your own money is something that you have to deserve eating. If it is so, one doesn't deserve to sweat about it, home food is way much better, and one's colloquial languages are way better to speak in. The most unfortunate thing is that individuals who think like this have access to minds of people who are way better than them, in every respect. I was ambushed by individuals who were filled up to the brim by American propaganda, and I suppose it is the go to entertainment for high class of this country, and later I was handed over to scums for whom mall escalators are a big deal. Mall escalators can be a big deal for an old village woman who has came to the first time to the city but they are not such a big deal that their magnificence is propagated socially through technology and people have to deserve to climb them. Malls are for shopping isn't it, and mall escalators are because they aid people to easily climb floors and shop from the malls thereby bringing profit to them. Village ladies hesitating to climb mall escalators was cute only until one realised that it is systematic discrimination and oppression. It's unbelievable that an army of individuals is employed in this country to make people feel that they don't deserve to eat a pizza or speak in English or climb on escalators. This country has reached to the point where its controllers are doing favour to people by merely letting them exist. They think of rape, exploitation, torture and genocide of people as their right and this kind of thinking can't really be corrected. 

Forced Hot Pursuit

What am I interested in at present? I'm always interested in stories, especially the ones that transport me to other worlds, but stories in today's times have become redundant. Nineties were great. Stories were there and they mattered. I have no idea when did the downfall actually begin. I have had goals. I have escaped and I have tried to begin again, but I have escaped situations and not myself. As I have realised that small details matter a lot, though not where they need to matter the most. My goals were simple, not really complex at all. With all the drama of lie detecting in this absolute shithole of a country subsiding I feel free enough to write again. Afterall I don't have anything to prove to anyone, never had. There was one escape, and there was one decision. I wanted to be multilingual once upon a time. Truth has many facets, and when you are chosen for sabotage early, things become quite difficult. I look back and realise the examples these scoundrels were setting for me. It's now that I realise that all of it is real-time and they don't really have the ability to judge people. It's mind boggling the kind of individuals I was supposed to have respect for. It would be really fun to know which structure had the control of my mind back then. In the past decade all the tricks in the inventory of these assholes have exhausted. The idiocy has been of gargantuan levels and it increased and regionalised gradually. There was no need of all these at all and yet it was done for the simple reason that it could be done. But then I have seen example of it being done at different levels of social existence so I can understand that it needs no reasons. How funny that things actually became about reading books as soon as I reached the bimaru locations. I'm glad however that it happened and how it happened, and there is no scope for further detriment. They might be thinking themselves as very smart while choosing the two scoundrels they decided for me a decade back. That it reminded me of one of my relatives who died a tragic death and one of my family acquaintances plus an important life event in my life while I was suffering trauma clearly points to my so called hometown. These are bunch of cowards and cuckolds who have gone totally despotic, dengenerate and genocidal. None of it was required, but then it gave me the clear picture of the priorities of the structure that controls the lives of people. I have really gone famous, if only these bastards were not corrupt to the core and cuckolds. I took pride in the beauty of Hinduism and its superior philosophy and scriptures, but it all turned out to be smokescreen for rape and exploitation. I still believe in Hindu philosophies because they, in my eyes at least, still are superior philosophies for existence but I do not believe who preach them. In today's times, all individuals who preach religion are either scoundrels or propagandists. The truth is technology and it's distributed according to socio-financial levels of individuals and families. It boils down to the financial and social capital in the end and religion has no use except for creating divide and tranquilizing and controlling people. I had an inkling but it took me a decade to really confirm it. It is true that it can also be a source of divine bliss but the amount mind control that is being practiced in this country, this side of religion is not really going to come into effect ever. I love stories, but in a country where everyone is in an individualised prison, stories don't really matter a thing. 

Nouveau Riche

It started with sorts of moral and ethical issues. Though I know that it wasn't that since the start but anyway, moral high ground was taken tactically. Since I became aware of the approach and the level it was at, the moral highground of these individuals had been dismantled. The control is absolute so the modus operandi is first making the target doing morally questionable things and then torturing the target. The "making the target do things" part is direct, they directly possess the mind and body of the target, disable the mind and take control of the mind and body and then make him do things, whether they are morally questionable or not. It's just to say that this level of control on human mind and body is possible. They have been reduced to brute force, so now they can't really have a moral upperground. When you use brute force it means that you have already lost the debate or discourse, though history tells us that it is only who use brute force that emerge the victors. Brute force is only and the ultimate thing, given you have the power, which these individuals have in form of mind and physiology control technology and intelligence on the target and his deepest thoughts, feelings and secrets. All of it has been for nothing, but these individuals are habituated of raping, exploiting, torturing and murdering people for nothing so it's not a big deal for them. These are genocidal rapist despots and in a country of more than one and a quarter billion people. There was absolutely no need for any of it. There was a sort of an ostracisation for a silly non-moral, non-legal and non-sexual reason, and it was pretty early, but very fortunately I was able to see what kind of an individual or individuals would have taken the decision back then. The trauma was terrible and continuous but despite the trauma my reason remained and it's through this reason I was able to fight back. In short it's a gang of rapist and extortionist criminals headed by genocidal despots who frame and torture individuals and families. Why was I selected is not known to me but then these scums of the earth rape and murder people on their whims and I had some attributes and had socio-cultural qualities of standing me out, so I suppose I was one of the ill-fated persons who get into their clutches and suffer. The normal modus operandi of these individuals is making people do morally questionable things, by directly controlling them, and then get a moral upperground and then using the moral upperground they have and the guilt of the target to rape, exploit and torture him, and the target can't or doesn't protest because he is moral person and is aware of his moral low ground, it's not really rocket science, sometimes they throw in blackmail to silence the target and keep him from protesting. The fun part of it all would be if the technology is Russian or Western. It's not been long since this country has been independent and the rich and powerful, are still nouveau riche, I mean if they can go deep into my past and family history for no reason, I can do this much. So, the battle is already lost especially on the moral side if the technology turns out to be Russian or Western. It would be great if it turns out to be occult but my definition of occult is that it shouldn't use technology or external contraptions and should be accessible to all without anyone being able to prevent its access. I would be the happiest person if it turns out to be occult but it's not, at least not what my definition of occult is. These westernised genocidal bastards act like they are royalty but they are actually not. They have achieved nothing that matters, and are basically cuckolds. But yes, they can use brute force on people they have a hundred percent control over. 

Chase

How much can the stubbornness to destroy someone can be especially because of no reason? It just betrays the fact that one hasn't seen or experienced reality as it actually is, though the experience of reality that is present I suppose there isn't any need to. Some individuals live in rainbow land and from there they make the lives of other people hell. I was interested in truth and by extension, knowledge, and I got the truth, as far as knowledge goes there isn't any need to know more after what I have come to know. It's pure hatred because of no reason and the most shocking thing about it is the place it started at and the level at which it was expressed. This makes sure that common people can't have a good and normal life at all, and it means that depraved, entitled and spoilt idiots are in control of people. It's been an unbelievable journey since the past decade especially and every single good experience that I could've had has been ruined. As one realises that the most obvious thing actually turns out to be true, it probably is the underdevelopment of my region. It was hit home to me that people grow because these individuals allow them to grow. It doesn't check out they way things have gone but that tells how these individuals are scums in the name of humans and how spoilt, entitled and despotic they are. Everything I had known about the world was falsified, helping people, giving back to the society, everything, except hand to mouth and probably having some capital or real estate as security. Mental health is not even an issue because all mental health except chromosomal disorders are fake and intentionally inflicted. Things didn't have to be so simple but they actually are. It's direct slavery by despotic bottom of the barrel criminals and scum of the earth where they torture, rape, exploit and murder people without their knowledge. 

Useless Conspiracy

I find it quite funny the absolute scum of the humanity are employed by entitled extortionists and thieves to control every smallest detail of people's lives. I really didn't have any options. Things were practically not possible, and it turns out to be my own region as early as it could be and continuously. You lose all pleasure of life but it's fair as you lose it in return for the truth, and the knowledge about slavery. It's all as real as it can get and my life has been nothing short of unbelievable. Continuous torture and sabotage at each step and stage of my life for no reason at all. How much more stupid it can get when these individuals have to get meaningless thoughts and memories by rapist and extortionist criminals. It's systematised exploitation and rape. With me it started with forgetfulness which could be better explained as a full blown amnesia, with each current thought going into oblivion to never be accessed again. Adding to that was continuous pain, soreness and burning all over. I had thought of it as somatization of anxiety, which in the end it turns out that it might be not so, now I think of it as sabotage which it most probably was. It's been a habit of mine to let go of my past and focus on my present and future and repression might be an actual thing but losing access to all your past is not normal. It's about ideas and thought basically and to think that one discards whole of his life for an attribute he doesn't like in himself is although possible but may not be the truth. You get famous unintentionally and the game of as many heads so many thoughts comes into play and very unfortunately these individuals deal in rape, extortion, murder and absolutes and extremes without having the ability for proper judgement of people or if there is ability then there is no intent of right judgement. It's a zero sum game in which the common man loses everything. He loses his life and dignity if he doesn't have enough money and a whole structure works continuously to bleed money from him and in a lot of cases this is perpetuated directly. The basic approach is murdering people indirectly, and in a lot of cases exploiting, raping, torturing them directly. It was just mindblowing how direct the slavery is and how delusional these individuals are and how low the threshold to qualify for perpetual torture is. I just had to be on an internet platform, and inadvertently, where the rich of the country were also present. That's all I had to do, and I didn't even try to mingle with them, I was just busy doing what I do. Later I got possessed by a rapist which by all means I already was, and things became very hyper local to my hometown and its village life. Village is the last tier of human existence in present times in this country and it helps in oppressing and discriminating against a person if you prove them to be a villager, which very unfortunately for me I'm not though I am still connected to my villages. I would have loved to have villager like qualities as they are resourceful people, but that's really not the case. When things got hyper local I realised that my past and my family's past is going through a lot of eyes and through the judgements, as based on judgements that reached me, of very incompetent individuals, but there is nothing that can be done about it as this is the reality.